Wrecking the wedding
by Lonaargh
Summary: Humor in the movie! Well.. even more humor.. what trouble can 2 girls and a dog possibly be? First chapter is a but slow..but stay with me!
1. Losing the dog

**_Chapter 1: Losing the dog_**

_Disclaimer and author's note: Oro and I wrote this.. In this chapter I own the dog..and James.. Oro owns herself and William.. and basically also his kilt..  
Oh.. and the bit about not being a man alive who can keep up with us.. that's true.. but still..my boyfriend likes to try..._

_Oh well.. just..read..and review please!_

"Okay..now.. listen very carefully.. you're a cow..and a cow goes Moooooh... not Woof". Remco stares up in utter confusion. He wags his tail and continues drooling. Lona sighs in frustration. "He isn't getting it, why is it so hard to teach a dog how to be a cow?". She sinks down on the wooden bench. Tina shrugs and eyes the dog "Is he getting those black spots?" "Well.. not really..but his nose is black.. that counts..doesn't it?". Remco, the Golden Retriever Dog, gives up and starts looking for a stick. "He isn't giving any milk either" "No off course not.. he's male!" "And a dog" "Yeah.. but.. I'm trying to let him forget that" "It isn't really working is it?" "No" "Surprising"

Lona stands up again "Remco! Here boy". Remco trots over, carrying his stick with pride. He drops it in front of her feet, wagging his tail furiously. "Ok.. Rem.. WOEF!" Remco barks back. "Good boy..again...WOEF" He perks his ears and barks again.. "Good.. now pay attention.. MOOH" Remco wags his tail and pants, while totally not responding. Rolling her eyes Lona drops down besides Tina again. "Piece of cake?" "Sure" Tina hands Lona a piece of chocolate cake. "So, how the bass thing going?" Tina swallows her chunk of cake and smiles "Great.. It sounds a lot better than last time". Tina and Lona are 2 girls.. well.. they prefer the term Women.. mind the capital W.. They met at high school in the first class, and well.. they're both a bit strange. Being 20 years old and still trying to teach a dog how to be a cow should testify for that.. both single.. there isn't really a man alive who can keep up with these two..   
Remco is Lona's dog.. like said before.. a Golden Retriever, male.. with a lot of testosterone floating around. He has white hair.. and lots of it.. very fluffy dog.. with floppy ears.. a great guard dog too.. he beats burglars to death while wagging his tail..or if that doesn't work he drowns them in dribble.

After another fifteen minutes of idle chit chat Lona stands up suddenly. "Where's Remco?". Looking around the girls start walking along. "Remco! Here boy!" "Here cow!" "You know.. perhaps he's confused by now.. not knowing if he's a dog or a cow.. could really get to a dog y'know? Mistaken identity and such?" "Do you think so? Nah..he'll come running back for a sweet" Lona stops walking and fumbles in her bag. Then Tina starts tugging her arm and points at the bushes "There he is!" Something white bolts away from the girls, who immediately set in a pursuit. "Stupid dog" Lona mutters as the girls run into the bushes. They don't get far. After a couple of yards Lona suddenly disappears. Tina stops running and looks around a bit alarmed after she hears a soft but distinct -thud!- "Lona?" she hazards while walking along carefully. Then she finds where Lona is.. while she's falling down a hole in the ground.. hitting the bottom with a soft but distinct -thud!-.. also passing out.. right next to Lona.. who's face is being licked by Remco.

-In the meanwhile-

"But I don't wanna get married to..to.. that!" "Quit your whining and start those vows". Two men are walking through a dark forest. Both looking not too happy.. "But William.. did you see what I've got to get married TO?". The man called William, a big sturdy man, with a bit long hair, not so cleanly shaven and very very jummy and attractive, wearing a white shirt and a kilt sighs "Yes James, I know.. it's the sister of the creature I'm getting married to.. twin sister.. in case you haven't noticed.. so yes.. I know what you're going to marry". James, less big and less sturdy, but still pretty muscular and very adorable.. with short brownish hair and a chin that seems to scare away facial hair, scowls. "Well.. let's just get this over with. At least Victor isn't about to suffer such hags as we are about to suffer.. Victoria isn't too bad I'd imagine". They both take a breath, and in unison they begin: "With this hand I will lift your sorrows". They approach a clearing, where, coincidentally, Lona and Tina both lay, as well as some graves. Still passed out I must mention.. with their hands sticking conveniently in the air. "Your cup will never empty, for I am your wine" "How can I be wine William? I mean..it's liquid.. and either clear or red.. and I must say that none of my liquids look like" "Just shut up James.." "Ok" "With this candle, I will light your way in darkness.. with this ring" They both take out a wedding ring out of their pockets, and walk towards the two girls.. apparently looking like logs.. "I ask you..to be mine". And with these words.. the two boys accidentally married our two girls.. I mean..Women.

Tina, not having dropped as hard as Lona, suddenly wakes up. "Ugh.. my head" She sits up and looks straight in the eyes of a startled William. For some reason his face becomes very pale. James isn't paying attention and examines William's ring, that has been shoved on the finger of Lona, who's finally waking up. "Say, William, this Branch looks kinda like.." "A.a.. corpse!" William stammers "Nah.. but it does look a bit like a hand though". Tina blinks.. "I've definitively haven't had enough sex lately... I'm seeing a gorgeous Celt" she says while looking William up and down a few times. Lona sits up, rubbing her head and neck.. "Perhaps a stupid remark, but I feel like I've been dropped down a hole" she looks up and sees James. She instantly turns a very deep color red. James just looks very pale, much like William. "THEY'RE ALIVE! THEY'RE COMING TO EAT US ALL!" he shouts and jumps up. Lona also jumps up and looks around in panick "Nooooooo! Where are they! REMCO!". The dog, excited by the sudden commotion and attention runs around the four people until he dives ontop of William. Showing him his excellent guarddog qualities.. starting by dribbling and licking. "Who are going to eat us? Tell me.. And I'll kick their a.. erhm.. behinds!" Tina stands up and looks around, looking very menacing indeed. James stops shouting and seems a bit dumbfounded. "So..you're not dead".

Lona, who's trying to save William from a sure death by drowning, looks up in surprise "Dead? Well.. I fell pretty hard, but I think I'm pretty much alive.. I don't look dead do I? Tina?" "Not more than usual" "Thanks" "You're Welcome". Remco finally loses his interest in the guy with the kilt on and walks to Lona, who strokes and scratches him behind the ear. "Good boy.. nice cow". William stands up, wiping his face and scowls at James "You do know what this means do you?" James looks at the girls and scratches his own neck "Well.. we won't be fined for disturbing graves.. but other then that.. no.. I don't know". William glares at Lona and Tina, and says "We're married to them.." Lona and Tina just stare at them. "Tina?" "Yeah?" "Am I still unconscious?" "No.. am I?" "No.." "Right" "So.. that means this isn't a nightmare..right?" "Right".. then.. in unison: "I DEMAND A DIVORCE!"

_So..we're married.. chapter 2 coming up pretty soon.. review please.._

_Love, Lona and Oro_


	2. Meeting the family

_Authors note: We're back! And yes.. in real life..we are just as strange. Please review._

**Chapter 2: Meeting the family**

"I can't be married.. I'm only 20 years old!" Lona whimpers as she paces around in circles. Tina is watching James and William, while frowning in thought. The two men are looking rather happy considering the circumstances. "You two are looking smug.. I don't like smug.. stop looking smug.. why are you looking smug?". Lona glares up at James, poking her index finger at his chest, underlining every word she says. James doesn't stop smiling "Well.. seeing that we are married to you.. we don't have to marry Ann and Jenn.. and that's actually a good thing.. because those two aren't very friendly.. and quite unattractive.. and..well.. you are somewhat friendly and pretty much attractive". William smacks James at the back of the head. "Mind your tongue James.. be polite.. and stop babbling".

"So now what?" Tina asks "Where are we? And who are you? And who's married to who actually? Can I pick one? And how does this marriage thing work?". Lona huffs at James, deciding to give him the silent treatment as she sits down on a stone, petting Remco who lies very content at her feet. William scratches his head and shrugs "Well.. you are in a forest near our village, we came here because we were supposed to marry some other girls tomorrow, together with our cousin Victor van Dort. But I guess we won't have to do that anymore". James smirks "Yeah.. a big thanks for that, I'm James McFlannel and that's my brother William". "My name is Tina.. that sulking creature over there is my friend Lona.. and the hairy thing with the drool is her cow-to-be dog, Remco" William takes her hand "Nice to meet you Tina". Lona just scowls at James, daring him with her look to approach her..

"Yes..well" William clears his throat "as for the who's married to who bit.. it seems that Lona is wearing my ring..and you're wearing James.. so..yeah" Tina sulks a bit "Drat.. and I wanted to be married to the cute Celt" Lona stands up "Yeah well..you can have him..I don't wanna be married at all!" "Awh.don't be like that..see it as an opportunity to learn something before you have to do the real thing" "I want the real thing to be the first and only thing! Not a second hand thing.. I don't like second hands things" "Just deal with it!" "Yeah..well..pfuh..but I don't like Celts" The men are looking a bit flustered right now "Erhm..excuse me?" James hazards. "So what? I don't like..like.. well.. guys like him.. no personal offence meant of course" Tina quickly apologizes to James "No offense taken.. I think". Utterly confused James and William look at each other.

"So now what? Can't we swap or something? I mean.. the James character is kind of my type.. sort of.. if he stops being so..so.. him..you know?" Tina thinks about it for a second and shakes her head "Nah.. don't think it works that way" "Hmz.. well.. than we'll just have to find another way" "Yep" "Ok.. so that's settled then?" "Yep".They both turn around to face the men "Let's go"

-blink- "Go? Where to?" William asks. Tina stares at him, that was a very silly question to ask "The village of course.. really.. you must learn to keep up, we're going to find a way to get this sorted out.. and then we have this wedding of your cousin to attend.. Victor van Dort? Familiar name somehow.."

---At the town--

The town crier is ringing his bell.. shouting the news that Victor van Dort is having his wedding rehearsal this afternoon. Lona looks around the town square.. the little butterfly, flying around.. the cat waiting for the chopped fish to fall down.. Barkis Bittern stalking around a statue "Barkis Bittern?" She whispers "Oh boy.. Tina.. I think I remember this.. do you think we could have hurt our heads and thus dreaming the same thing?" "No" "Good..so that would mean we're in the movie then" "Technically speaking.. yes" Lona thinks about this for a few seconds, then smiles "Cool". Remco runs over to Lord Barkis, sniffing at his pants "Shoo, shoo.. you mangy mutt" Barkis takes a step backwards. Remco starts growling at a low pitch and shows his teeth "Remco! Bad cow... I mean dog.. don't bite him.. you might get ill!" Tina grabs Remco's collar and drags him away from Barkis who is looking very insulted indeed.

Suddenly a coach almost runs them over and the door of a house slams open. A short, rather fat woman and a tall, skinny man walk out. "It's a beautiful day", the woman sings "It's a rather nice day" the man admits. "It's a beautiful day for a wedding"

"A rehearsal my dear to be perfectly clear" Tina sings in Mr. Van Dorts place. The man and woman fall silent.. staring at us "What?" Tina asks looking perfectly innocent. William rushes forward, ushering us along "Aunt, uncle.. these are..erhm.. Lona and Tina..our..wives" He seems to swallow with some difficulty.."Tina?" "Yeah Lona?" "Doesn't it strike you as odd that we're in a movie?" "Nah.. happens all the time" "Oh.. you're sure?" "Yeah..just play along" "Oh..ok.. Hello Mrs van Dort! Can I call you Nell? Great to meet you. I'm proud to be a member of this family!" Lona grabs the poor woman's hand and starts pumping it up and down vigorously. "Married?" Mr. van Dort asks suprised "But you were supposed to be wed AFTER Victor weren't you?" James face flushes red "Yeah..well..something unexpected interfered. erhm.. Lona..dear sister in law..could you let go of my aunts arm now?" "Oh.. yeah..sure" "Well.. I've never.." Mrs van Dort huffs. "It's alright dear..let's get to the coach, boys, ladies.. please join us.. Mayhew, open the door please".

Mrs van Dort climbs into the coach, but gets stuck in the door opening. "It's not me, it's me dress" "Yeah right.. first of all.. it isn't ME dress, but MY dress..and second.. honey.. it ain't the dress... trust me" grunts Tina as she pushes the woman into the vehicle. Mayhew chuckles softly as he walks to the horses. Mrs van Dort pretends as if she didn't heard the remark "Where's Victor? He's going to be late" Tina looks around and sees Lona waving to the windows of another building just across the street. "Joehoe! Mister and Mistress Everglot! Hello!" Remco is jumping up and down, waving his tail excitedly, barking as loud as he can. James grabs Lona's arm and drags her into the coach. "You know.. you could've asked me" she says while looking angry at him "Remco... Heel!" The big dog joins in the already too full coach.

Victor is looking stunned at the unknown girls and his two nephews. Tina and Lona grin, while Remco pants in everybody's face "Hi Victor!" they both say, while shaking his hands. "Erhm..hello..erhm.. mother already told me who you are..erhm.. yes..well..welcome in the family" Lona raises an eyebrow "Jeez.. you're a nervous wreck..how come?" Mrs van Dort interrupts Victor's answer "Now remember, you've just got to reel her in" Victor sighs "I'm already reeling mother". "Yeah, can't you see the boy is awfully nervous?" Tina says, patting Victor on the cheecks.. "You could do with some more color on your cheeks". "Stop doing that" William whispers from the corner of his mouth "Stop doing what?" "You can't tell her to stop, you're not her husband" "But I.." William stammers "And even if you were you can't tell me to stop that, whatever that is" "Yeah, because you're not the boss of her" "Right.. I'm my own boss" "And don't you forget that" Lona and Tina glare at William, whose face turns a very very bright red. Lona looks out the window again "The nerve of some people" she mutters under her breath.

Most people get very confused when Tina and Lona are talking together, this is mainly because the talking happens at high speed and uses arguments that only make sense in their own heads.. this also why most men can't keep up with them.

After another circle on the town square, they finally stop in front of the Everglot Mansion.. which is across the street from the Van Dorts house..but still..it's the thought that counts. The girls and the dog race towards the doors, behind which they hear a muffled song "And that's why everything, every tiny microscopic little thing must gooooo" Lona hits the doorbell "Yeah yeah..enough with the singing already"

_Another chappie up.. just as a note: I really does happen all the time..people ending up in movies..happened to me once before.. in POTC actually.. but that's another story.. _

_Love.. Lona & Oro_


	3. Laughing strokes

_Author's note: Chapter 3 up and running. Did a little bit too much I think.. I was just typing happily away.. and suddenly I noticed I was at the fourth page..oops.._

_So…enjoy_

_**Chapter 3- Laughing strokes**_

Emile opens the door, just as Tina slaps away Mrs Van Dorts hands who is fussing all over Victor.  
"Stop doing that.. you'll embarrass him if they see he's such an mama's boy"  
"Erhm.. Tina... say hello to Mr and Mrs Everglot" Lona pokes Tina in the side. The two aristocrats are looking haughtily at the company at their door. "Nice entrance.. now they don't think he's a mama's boy.. they only think that he's a sissy.. being fussed over by two women" Lona grins.  
"Please do come in" the voice of Mrs Everglots echo's through the main hall.

"Woof!" Well.. she did say that everybody should come in.. with a great jump Remco jumps into Mr Everglot.. well.. not a very great jump. Mr Everglot is just a tiny little man.. all Remco had to do was take a rather large step. Almost everybody rushes over to the dog and his new victim, all.. except Lona and Tina, who stroll in calm, taking in the sights.  
"Wow"  
"You said it, Lona"  
"I know.. I mean.. wow.. you wouldn't think these people are down on their cash would you?"  
"Well.. here and there you can see a few signs.."  
The tiny little legs of Mr Everglot are moving up and down, but alas.. to no avail..   
"Could someone please help my husband!" Mrs Everglot cries out in half panic.

Tina sighs. "It's your dog you know?"  
"Yeah I know.. that's why I want to teach him to be a cow.. cows don't slobber all over people"  
"You sure? Cows do slobber"  
"Yeah.. but not while standing on top of someone"  
William, who is trying to pull Remco off Mr Everglot shouts "Lona! Right about now would be fine!"  
"Alright alright.. keep your shorts on.. I mean your kilt.. sjees.." Grabbing a cookie out of her purse Lona whistles smartly "Remco! Treat!" The dog immediately loses interest in his new playmate and bounces through the hall towards Lona. With a skidding stop he sits before her feet, happily wagging his tail.  
"That's a good boy, who's a good boy? You are.. yes you are" Putting his leash on his collar, she takes Remco towards the rest of the group.

"Keep that.. that.. monster away from me!" Trying to wipe the slobber of his jacket, Mr Everglot backs away as Lona approaches.  
"Don't be such a coward Finis, it's just a little.. dog.. and say hello to our guests" from the corner of her mouth Mrs Everglot whispers to her husband "Smile Finis.. Smile"

Tina nudges Lona.  
"This should be fun to watch"  
With supernatural effort, the face of the man breaks into a painful looking grimace, the closest he can get to a smile.  
"Well, Hellooooo.. Welcome to our home"  
"Riiight.. you okay mister? You kinda look like Remco bit you somewhere" Tina asks, while closely inspecting his face.  
Lona, shocked, quickly turns to Remco, checking his teeth for any evidence he might have bitten someone.  
"Haha.. silly child _-mutters something under his breath-_ Your cute little puppy didn't bite me.."  
"Oh.. my.. gosh.. that sounded just creepy.." Tina mumbles.

"We're having tea in the West Drawing Room, please follow me" Everybody follows them.. except Victor, Lona, Remco and Tina..of course..

"Oeeehhh.. a piano!" Lona gives the leash to Tina and sits down..  
"Lona.. you can't play"  
"No.. but.. who cares?"  
"Erh.. I can.. play" Victor offers, shy.  
"Well.. let's hear it then" Lona scoots over, making room for Victor. Not long after that Victor please this beautiful song on the piano..

"We still have to find a way to get divorced" Lona whispers to Tina.  
"Yeah.. and then I have to find a way to get William to like me"  
"Any bright idea's yet?"  
"Would I be sitting here if I had?"  
"Good point"  
"Thank you"

Without them noticing, Victoria has approached them, scaring Victor out of his wits. Making him knock over this flower in a vase, spilling it's water all over the piano.  
"Awwh, Victor! Just look at my clothes! Soaking wet!" Remco decides to greet the newcomer, trotting over to Victoria and gives her a gentle lick on the hand. Victoria smiles and scratches his ear "What a doll, my mother says a dog is improper for young ladies. Same as playing the piano, which you do beautifully. Since I was little I dreamed of playing the piano, silly isn't it?"

Victor chuckles "Ghehe.. yes.. silly.." He suddenly realizes what he's saying and quickly tries to undo what he just did: "I mean..no"  
"Oh boy" Lona slaps her forehead with her hand. "Hopeless"  
"Come on you.. leave the two lovebirds.. ugh.. gross.. alone" Tina says while ushering Lona and Remco away.  
"They really are...sticky.. aren't they?" Lona asks, while craning her neck to see behind her..  
"Blegh.. yes.. and so.. so.. well behaved.. disgusting really"  
"He's going to ask her where her chaperon is.. I mean.. that's sooo 19th century"  
"Yeah.. but.. well.. basically.. this IS the 19th century"  
"You sure? Isn't it the 18th?"  
"Even worse"  
"WHAT INPROPRIETY IS THIS!"  
"Aieegh!" Lona jumps up, totally startled by the sudden interruption from Mrs Everglot.  
"Damn woman! Stop your shouting! We know, we know.. rehearsal in 5 minutes.. we'll be there!". Looking extremely pissed off, Lona and Tina walk towards the rehearsal, dragging Remco along.

_**-at the rehearsal-**_**_  
_**  
"Again.. from the beginning.." Pastor Galswells booms.. there aren't many people who can boom..but he can.  
The rehearsal is going bad.. they've been in that room for 3 hours now.. and still the vows haven't been said properly.. a few times because Remco likes the Pastor.. especially the nose.. and keeps trying to climb on his lap.. but mostly because Victor can't remember even the simplest things..

"With this candle" he mutters, while trying to light his candle for the third time.. without letting it catch flame.  
"I never quite figured out how he does it.. not lighting a candle.. it isn't a trick candle is it?" Lona whispers to Tina.  
Finally the candle lit. "He's gonna blow it out again" Tina whispers confidentially to William. William glances back at her again.. "Nah.. even HE isn't that clumsy" "HA!.. Just watch" Lona nudges James, who has fallen asleep.

"With this candle.. hehehe" with his breath from talking, Victor blew out the candle.. William is awestruck, staring at Tina as if she's a witch. Tina just grins happy back at him. Being the sweet wife to be, Victoria lights his candle for him. Lona is having a laughing fit because of the whole scene.Then another interruption, the doorbell. "That's Lord Barkis" Tina says "can't we just.. you know.. leave him outside?"  
"Sorry I'm late, I didn't miss the rehearsal did I?" Lord Barkis strides in.. looking as icky as ever.. Emile brings him a chair. "Do carry on" "Pfah" Tina huffs at him "We would've been finished by now if you didn't just barge in.. nitwit"

Lona finally managed to catch her breath by now and wipes away the laughing tears.  
"This is even better than the movies, hey Victor.. you did think to bring the rings did you?"  
"Yes, yyes.. I've got it right here" he fumbles in his pockets, but manages to take out the ring.. only to lose it again.

Remco sees the little trinket roll away under Mrs Everglot's dress and dives after it, dragging Lona along on his leash. "Ahh..no! Remco! Bad boy!" She can stop the dog before ending up under Mrs. E.'s skirts.. thank goodness for that. Victor drops down on his knees and collects the ring.. while setting flame to a very expensive looking dress. The look on Mrs. Everglot's face leaves Lona laughing on the floor again. The whole room is in utter chaos. Remco barking at the fire and the crowding people around it, Mr. Everglot stamping on the fire, James and William running around looking for something to extinguish the fire with, Mr van Dort dashing out of the room in search of a bucket and Mrs van Dort fanning the fire to keep it going..  
"I knew I should've brought my photo camera" Tina mumbles, leaning casually against a pillar, arms folded and taking in the scene. Then Lord Barkis puts the fire out by throwing his cup of wine over it. Lona sees it and sits up straight.

"Hey! Do you have any idea how hard wine stains go away? There is a vase with water right over there.. you could've used that instead.. now that dress is ruined!". Barkis pretends he doesn't hear her and starts examining his fingernails.

The Pastor is looking a wee bit mad. "Go practise your vows!". With an angry look down his very big nose he sends Victor away. Tina and Lona look at each other and decide to follow Victor.  
"How else is he going to manage? I mean.. he surely is going to need us out there"  
"Yeah.. in case he does stupid things"  
"Tina.. he always does stupid things"  
"Oh..right.. well.. in case he does stupid and fun things without us"  
"Right.. Victor! One second.. we have to say goodbye first"  
Tina walks towards William, wraps her arms around his neck and gives him a long kiss. After a while she finally lets go. Leaving William completely breathless and with a glazed look in his eyes.  
"Well.. until death does us part.. so I guess we can get married after I get back" She says, while winking at William. Who..of course, doesn't know what she means.

Lona drags Tina away, following Victor into the woods once again.. with Remco right behind them.

_ Yay for you if you've managed to get this far! Please R and R._

Love, Lona and Oro


	4. Running from a corpse

_Authors Note: Short chappie this one.. Hope you'll like it.._

**_Chapter 4: Running from a corpse_**

"Victor! Stop running that fast! We're having a little bit trouble keeping up here!" Lona stumbles on a few tree roots as she tries to follow Victor into the woods.  
"I didn't see him running in the movie.. did you?"  
"Nope".

Finally Victor stops running.. the girls can hear him mumble  
"With this candle.. I will set your mother on fire".  
Lona puts her hand on his shoulder: "Well..look on the bright side.. at least you've made us laugh". Somehow this didn't seem to make Victor feel any better. Lona glances at Tina, who shrugs and motions for them to move along.  
"Aww come on Victor..try once more.. we know you can do it!"

Victor takes a deep breath and begins: "With this hand.. I will lift your sorrows.. Your cup will never empty..for I am your wine". He grabs Tina's hand at kisses it "Ah.. Mrs. Everglot, you look ravishing this evening" Lona raises an eyebrow "Mrs Everglot.. ravishing? Did you hit your head or something?" Victor glares at her, then smiles a wicked smile and lays his arm around her shoulders "What's that Mr Everglot, call you dad? If you insist" "HEY!" With a pat on her head he walks away, brandishing his ring. He snaps a twig and pretends it to be a candle "With this candle, I will light your way in darkness"

Lona sits down on a tree stump, Tina standing next to her and Remco lying at her feet.  
"He really is going to do that stupid thing again isn't he?" Tina nods, sighing.  
"Yup.."  
"And we're going to let him do it..aren't we?"  
"Yup.. because this wouldn't be as much fun if we didn't"  
With a smirk on their faces to continue to watch Victor do his vows.

"With this ring.. I ask you to be mine" and with these last words he slips the ring on the rather bushylooking hand.  
The girls stand up "So.. prepared to run a bit more?" Tina asks Lona, who nods. "Yupz.. I was considering warning him.. but then dismissed the idea.. he looks funny when he hits that tree". The hand starts moving, grabbing Victor at the wrist. In his panic, Victor manages to avoid being dragged into the ground..but that leaves him with a skeleton hand clinging to his arm.  
"Ahhh..get if off, get it off!" He shouts in panic.

Tina frowns "I don't remember him saying that".  
Lona shakes her head "Must be the uncut version".  
Looking somewhat scary, Emily arises from the dirt. Removing her veil, she whispers  
"I do" which is received with an applause from Lona and Tina. Remco wags his tail and barks excitedly. Victor gasps for air, turns, and runs away.  
"Here we go" Lona says, as she watches Emily follow Victor.  
"Yeah..but we're taking the short cut.. I don't like going through bramble bushes, ripping my clothes, running into trees and more of that sort"  
"Couldn't agree with you more".  
The girls hook arms and set on their way.

They reach the bridge, where Victor is yet to arrive. Lona hops on the rail, swinging her legs, while Tina is staring at the icy water flowing in the stream below. After a few moments they hear someone tearing through the bushes, and finally Victor comes rushing in. "Hi" Lona says cheerfully. Victor is not responding, he clutches Tina's upper arms, shaking her vigorously "Did you see it? Where did it go?" "S..s..ss.ss. stop shaking me!" He let's go of her arms, looking around nervous. "Yes I saw her.. even better..turn around" Tina tells him cheerfully. Wide eyed Victor turns around slowly, Emily is standing right behind him. He stumbles backward, mostly because Emily is walking towards him, cornering him against the stone railing of the bridge. Emily whispers something in his ears, almost not audible, but the girls already know what she's saying "You may kiss the bride". Victor whimpers a little before passing out.

Emily catches him before he can topple over from the bridge. She looks surprised. Looking at the girls for help, she asks.  
"What did I do?"

_Up to chapter 5.. please R and R.._


	5. Got Beer?

_**Chapter 5: Got Beer?**_

"Oh my gosh.. he just couldn't help himself could he?" Lona mutters as she pokes Victor, who's lying unconscious on the pavement.  
"Perhaps he was just overjoyed?" Emily suggests.  
Tina grins "Yeah..perhaps.. do you need some help to get him down?" Lona's face lits up when she hears Tina asking that.  
"Yeah yeah yeah.. preferably without us dying first.. 'cause my mom isn't going to like it when I'll explain why her cow died"  
Emily looks around, puzzled "Cow?" Sighing Tina heaves Victor upright "Don't even ask"

After a few minutes walk they reach the cemetery again, Emily knocks a few time on a gravestone, and behold! A secret passageway opens before their eyes. A long winding stairs leads the way to the Land Of The Dead.. As they descend the stairs, they can feel the temperature shifting, it isn't freezing cold anymore, but it feels a bit like a warm spring day.

The stairs end in the middle of a city. The sky overhead looks gloomy, but what else can you expect from the land of the dead? Remco takes this opportunity to explore some of the area, sniffing here, marking his territory there.  
"Remco! Bad boy.. you can't do that to that..that.. erhm.. woman.. at least I think she was.. anyway..the point is.. bad doggy!" They bring Victor into the pub where they drop him on a table.  
"Nice place.. love what you've done with it.. 'specially the bones.. and.. spiderwebs..and..stuff" Tina compliments Mrs Plum.  
"Spiders?" Suddenly Lona is cowering behind Tina. "I very much dislike spiders". A black widow spider lowers herself until she's dangling in front of her eyes.  
"Well..that's just plain rude.. you don't even know me". Lona backs away even further, until she bumps into the bar. "Talking spiders..even worse" she mutters.

"Comin' through! A refreshment mademoiselle?" Paul is skittering along, with a few pints of..stuff.. following a few feet behind him. Tina grabs a pint and sniffs.  
"What's in this stuff?"  
"Ah.. strychnine, formaldehyde, ze usual stuff" Lona, who was about to take a zip, pauses in mid gulp and spits it out again.

"Tina?"  
"Yeah?"  
"That's lethal..isn't it?"  
"Well.. I suppose so..I mean.. you could kill a person with it"  
"Ah..ok.. thanks Paul.. but I'll pass.. and my dog doesn't want any too..trust me"

"By Joe.. we've got a breather"  
Ah.. Victor is opening his eyes.. finally.. sleepyhead.  
A little skeletonboy is poking him with a stick "He's still soft". Lona snatches the stick away from the lad, and starts poking Victor himself.  
"Ghe.. Always wanted to do this for myself someday"  
Victor looks a little bit scared, he frantically tries to get to his feet, while at the same time trying to keep a distance from everything.

"W..wh..where am I?" Tina looks around "Well..here.. in the pub? Land of the Dead and stuff"  
Lona nudges Tina "I don't think he's happy to hear that.."  
Victor is banging his head on the table by now.. only because Emily told him they were married.

From the corner of her eye Lona sees BoneJangles walking around.  
"Hey BJ! Why don't you tell Vic here what happened to Em?"  
BoneJangles gives her a wink and starts the song we all know..  
"Hey! Give me a listen you corpses of cheer  
Least less of you who still got an ear.."

As you all know, Victor is sneaking away somewhere here..

While the boneband is playing Remco is sniffing at one of their legs, finding it very interesting. A few seconds before the song is finished, he grabs the leg and bolts. The poor guy who's missing his legs falls into a heap of loose bones.  
"REMCO! BAD DOG!" Lona and Tina holler while chasing after the dog.. who is chasing Victor. Emily follows us, calling out for Victor.

We find Remco hiding at the Second Hand shop. Lona grabs a hand and wiggles with it.  
"Teehee.. this is fun.. ey.. could you tell Emily where Victor is hiding?" The hand sort of nods.. and points the way.

"Hey Em! We think we know where Victor is heading" Tina calls out at Emily. They grab her carefully at the arms, while taking her to the cliff.

When they reach the top they see Victor's hand searching for something to hold on. Emily giggles as we urge her to step forward, and Victor grabs hold of her leg.

The two girls stand grinning at Victor as Emily pulls him up. "You could've used the stairs silly" they say when they see him scowling at them.

Emily walks to the edge and takes a deep breath, Remco is standing next to her, whining a little and wagging his tail gently. With a smile she pats him on the head. "Isn't this view lovely?" she murmurs..

Then she turns around and sits down on the stone bench, motioning for Victor to come and sit next to her..

"Perhaps we should.. you know.. go?" Lona whispers at Tina..

"Yeah..good idea.. let's see if we can have some fun around here"

--  
Love, Lona & Oro


	6. We can do magic!

**_Disclaimer: I don't own anyone from the Corpse Bride.. nor do I own Tina.. everybody else.. mine! _**

Chapter 6: We can do magic!

And so the girls leave Emily and Victor alone

**Lona's ****POV****  
**So.. this is the land of the dead? Hm.. not quite what I expected.. I thought the people here would be more.. dead..

Sure..they look dead..but they don't act as if they're dead.. they're walking! And talking.. Bonejangles even sings.. I like Bonejangles.. too bad he's dead and all..

Wonder what we're going to do now..

"Where to now?"  
"Elder Gutknecht?"  
"Books!"  
"Yeah!"  
"Woof!"  
"No Rem..it's Mooooh"  
Remco stares at me..wagging his tail.. his tongue hanging out of his mouth, drool dripping on the ground..

"Never mind"

And off we go.. visiting Elder Gutknecht. Remco's is bouncing ahead of us, leading the way towards the tall building.

We knock and enter a rather scary looking hallway.

"Helloooohoooo.. mister skeleton sir?" My voice echo's through the building.. I grab Tina's hand as we walk up the stairs and enter Elder Gutknecht's room.. it's a good thing I'm holding her hand.. because we're not in the room for 5 minutes when I trip over a pile of books, knocking over something made of glass, that falls on tip of a metal tray.. result: a lot of noise.

"Sssh.. you're making enough noise to awaken the dead!"  
"That won't happen because of her making a little bit noise, my dear.. do not worry about that"  
An elderly skeleton makes his way down a stairs, his bend legs shuffling across the stone. His stick prevents him from falling over. This truly is one very old guy.

"Elder Gutknecht!"  
"Yes dear.. but how do you know me?"  
Tina bounces up and down happily.  
"Well.. I saw you in the movie of course, and we think you're great and you can do magic and you're sooo old, and yay!"

Remco.. my cow to be dog.. whines softly..not quite knowing what to do.. well.. that makes a little sense.. I mean.. he sees this skeleton..all bones and stuff.. and..well.. how would you feel if your sandwich suddenly started walking and talking?

Elder Gutknecht looks at us  
"You two girls are not from around here.. what can I do for you?"  
Ooh.. good question. I look at Tina.. who shrugs and looks around. The whole room is piled with books..  
"Well..nothing really.. but Emily is on her way.. and we thought.. perhaps we could read while we waited for her to arrive"  
"What she said" I point at Tina and nod energetically.

The old man thinks about it for a little while  
"Request granted.. but be careful.. some of these books contain dangerous information that should not be meddled with"  
YAY!  
After thanking Elder Gutknecht we both run off in different directions, grabbing as many books as we can hold.  
When we can't carry any more we drag them to a nearby table, close enough to keep an eye on the entrance of the building, but still far enough out of sight.

Remco still doesn't feel comfortable around the elder, he keeps trying to hide behind my legs, his tail between his own legs.  
"Remco, you silly dog.. I mean cow.. stop acting like a chicken.." scolding I try to stop him tackling me.  
"Perhaps he thinks he IS a chicken.." Tina eyes him sceptically.  
"Wouldn't be surprised.. after all my attempts of teaching him how NOT to be a dog"  
"Makes sense"  
"... no..."

Together we scan the titles  
"How to cook with the dead"  
"Sounds disgusting"  
"Magical Bellirium"  
"Sounds strange"  
"Corspus Digestus"  
"Sounds..well.. no"  
"Magic for dummies"  
"Yeah!"

We open the book at some random page, Tina reads the instructions.

"Howe To Conjure Up Your Divorce Lawyer"  
"What a coincidence!"  
"Lona..shush!"  
"Hey..Emily and Victor just walked in.. if you hurry up..we can take this lawyer guy with is to the world of the living..and get divorced!"  
"That's what I'm planning..yes..now..shush!"  
Tina reads the following words out loud:  
"Trouwericus notplannedus.. verkeericidus malasus.. wantica echtscheidinginus.. gimme advocata"

A grass green smoke emerges between us, smelling a little bit like daisies and expensive perfume.  
Slowly, as the smoke finally disappears, 2 figures stand in front of us. Both wearing extremely expensive Armani suits, silk ties and enough hair gel to pollute and entire ocean with.

"Who are you?" I eye the two men suspiciously.. Remco cowars further under the table.  
"We are your divorce lawyers Miss Lona and Miss Tina" they say in stereo.  
-_blink-_ creepy  
"Cool.. I can do magic.."  
".. just say.. hopscotch"  
"Yeah.. and not a minute too soon.. come on!"  
I pull everybody over to Emily and Victor.. and again we're surrounded by smoke..this time a filthy yellow/golden color.  
"Smoking is bad for your health you know?"

The smoke gently drifts away, revealing a beautiful full moon.  
"We're baahaaack!" Tina exclaims to no one in particular.. Remco sniffs some trees.. relieved to be back on familiar grounds again.  
"Yeah yeah..come on..let's get divorced"  
Victor turns to face us, letting Emily wander around in circles around us.. acting rather strange.. giggling..dancing..losing her leg and all..  
"You're not leaving already are you?" Victor asks.. looking distressed at the idea of being left alone..again.. with a walking corpse.  
"Well.. " Tina glances at me..  
"Yes, we are..for a few minutes.. after that we'll come and save you once again..ok?"  
"No..but..wait!"  
Not wanting to stay married for too long we dash away, dragging two dumbfounded lawyers behind us..


	7. Divorced!

_A/N Yes..short Chapter.. I know.. sorry.. I'll try to make the next one a bit longer.._

**Chapter 7: Divorced!**

We're back in town! And.. most importantly.. we have the means to get a divorce! Yay!  
We run up to the front door of the Everglot's, pounding on it with our fists.  
"Open this door immediately! It's a matter of life and dead!" Tina shouts  
"Well.. not exactly life and dead..more like.. divorce and marriage" I correct her.  
"Does it really matter?"  
"Yes.. I'm not dead..and I'm not going to die..so how can.."  
"Just.. shut up Lona"

Finally Emil opens the door and we push past him into the main hall.  
"Took you long enough" I tell the good man, before running up the stairs in search of William and James.  
The butler looks offended by this remark, huffs and strides away.  
"Ow William! Dear hubby of mine..where are you?"  
"James! Get down here this instant!"

"What outrage is this? What do you two girls think you're doing?"  
"Hello auntie Maudeline" Tina waves at Mrs Everglot "We're just looking for James and William.. have you seen them"

Mrs Everglot is shaking with rage.. her face turns red and her huge hair vibrates..  
"Get out..of.. my house.." she manages to spit out through clenched teeth.  
Lucky for us, William and James are coming to save the day.  
"Lona!" This is James  
"Tina!" This is William.. yes.. we are definitely married to the wrong persons..

"Hiya! We brought a few friends! James.. William..meet: The Divorce Lawyers!" -_waiting for dramatic music_-  
-_nothing happens_-

The two men are just staring at us..  
"Divorce what?"  
"Lawyer.. sounds like Sawyer.. only more bureaucratic"

We leave Maudeline standing there and rush into another chamber, where very conveniently 2 chairs and a desk are at the ready. Shoving the lawyers in the chairs we usher the men to sit down on a nearby couch..

"So..now what happens?" Tina asks the lawyer on the left.  
"Well.. if you would please sign here -_points at magically appeared piece of paper_- here and here.."  
The lawyer on the right shows us a few other papers  
'Then you'll be officially divorced..and we could discuss other matters..like.. who gets the children.. and stuff"

Children? We have children?  
"We don't have any children..so we can skip that part..and just stick with the divorce thing..kay?" Tina picks up the pen and scribbles her name on the paper.

After a few seconds we are all single again! Yayish!  
William looks at Tina  
"And now we're divorced? Just like that?"  
Tina nods and looks a bit shy..her..shy.. wow  
"Yes..and you are free to engage a relationship with whoever you want.. " she tells him..

"Well..that was an obvious hint"  
"Lona shut up!" James nudges me and continues looking at the couple in love..

"Pfah.. but it really was obvious!" I mutter under my breath and turn away as Tina and William sidle closer to each other..gazing in each other eyes..

"Tina! Let's go.. I think Emily must've found out Victor is not playing very nice right now"  
Reluctantly she steps away from William and walks outside with.  
"You have got this very big timing issue.. you do know that?" she asks me, kicking away a little pebble.

In the light of the moon, we can see Emily climbing towards Victoria's window..  
"After you" Tina says.. and gestures for me to come back inside.

The two of us race towards Victoria's room and throw the door open.  
"Hello Emily!.. Hi Vic.. What's up Victoria?" After greeting everyone I look around the room..  
"It's a bit dull in here don't you think?"  
Emily looks a bit disturbed. But then Victor continues from where he left the conversation, he grabs Emily's arm and wobbles it a bit.  
"She's dead..look"

This earned him a wallop across the back of his head from Tina.  
"Now that's just plain rude"

Emily, who is very angry..and she has every right to be angry if you ask me.. narrows her eyes and says in her most threatening voice:"Hopskotch"


End file.
